this is a lot less of a blog than it is a collection of things i wish to never forget hearing, and things i wish i could say without having to explain

july 4 2026 - i've become oddly appreciative of the human-ism of music as an idea or concept rather than a thing to do/engage in. you can learn everything, and do it well. you can learn anything, it's the beauty of neuroplasticity, or maybe i can just refer to it as this massive unknown. the brain kind of reminds me of the ocean. when i was young, i would see pages in books (i think) where they'd show how much of the ocean has currently been explored by researchers, vs. how much they anticipate is left undiscovered. it was always so.. curious. i'm like george honestly. claire says im very curious george, she is totally correct! where is the banana man? (yellow hat man).. anyways, the ocean. it's big, and there's a lot to explore. a lot we haven't seen or even considered, and that's what the human brain holds for me. it's going to take a lot to convince me that we could ever get close to truly understanding the brain or consciousness. cognition, when you think about it (lol) is really.. weird. nothing about it is as convincingly true as i'd like. it's uncertain. i think the magnesium supplements i took are in my system now, as i feel like i'm not very coherent, nor articulating myself as i wish to. perhaps it is time for mimis. goodnight blog, i love you blog! stay safe out there. it's a very scary world, and no one will come to save you. no one will come to stop you either. that thought process almost made me evil, and perhaps i was "evil" for a while. becoming that evil person for a bit, or what maybe constitutes it, taught me that my empathy (although maybe unnecessary) wasn't as pathetic as i thought it was. it stems from some sort of brokenness, internal or a result of an inconvenient system, or maybe you are just evil. either way, i don't think anyone chooses to do that for no reason. something has gone wrong to make you become like this. im sorry for what you've been through, i understand that it was terrible. i understand your resentment, i understand being angry that no one was there to save you, and the only way to take control of anything was this. regardless, i didn't deserve that. your life sucks, and you made mine suck too. now our lives will suck forever. i will be miserable, forever with you, and you will suffer because of it, but if you're as perverted for your misery as i, you'll be okay. so, no one saved you, and no one stopped you from ruining everything for yourself.. so you ruined it for me too! i'm supposed to be happy, i'm supposed to be happy! i am happy, i am so happy.

june 30 2026 - it's been nearly a month since i last wrote here, and it's only fair to say that perhaps a month worth's of events have occurred. things have been stagnant for me, just the way i need them to be. still. it's been an exhausting year for me, and for the people around me. anyone consuming any part of me has got to need a break, i know it's a lot. i'd never ask you to consume more than you can handle. i'm pretty unwell. i don't know what it is yet, but i'm sick, and it's uncanny. like, of course, of all things that would happen to me next, especially when i'm finally in a safe place like i am now, is that i get sick. not just the kind of sick i'm used to, but the kind that might actually determine how the rest of my life plays out. it makes me uneasy thinking i could grant something that power over myself when i've been so preoccupied with searching for my soul wherever, or in whomever i could find it. how dare something, anything, do something against my will?
i understand, it's all about control
it was always only ever about control. i never wanted it to be, because then those men (dsm followers) who decided to analyze my ill behaviour and lead me down a path of dismay, may have been correct.
i've been having a lot of nightmares lately. i usually do, every night has been nightmares for me since as far as i can remmeber, but within the past week they've started to get really vivid again all of a sudden. this is around when dr. b has been trying to open up the space in my head, or whatever whimsical magic she's doing. she's been playing around with my skull, the bones holding my brain in place, they're fluid. i know they are too. i feel it, and i feel how they're moving over the course of my time with dr. b. she wants me to let my nervous system work the way it wants to, and i want it too.
nightmares or dreams, not sure anymore what to call them. everything feels oddly similar to one another, but at the same time, i'm feeling fear. i feel afraid, uneasy, i am in constant discomfort. i believed i didn't have any survival instincts and that i was incapable of protecting myself whatsoever, but i was so f---ing wrong. everything i became was the only way i would have lived through it. anything else, and i wouldn't have. not a single doubt about it. i did my best. it's pretty unfair how others will engage in reactive behaviour, and call you irresponsible for reacting. what do they think the alternative is? no one will ever understand. i'm having some trouble articulating myself, not because i am holding back, but because i think i was for a while. i tried to keep my mouth shut, and i couldn't let my words out when it was best fit, and now, im choking on my own words as they keep going back and forth between my esophagus, getting so close to some sort of emotional release, and eating it up right as we get there.
my mom used to write. i am the love-child of my parents' passions unfulfilled. that's why it burns so deeply inside me. i hope she writes again. i hope we write again. there is far more truth in the concept of necessary creation than i liked to admit, but it is so stupidly true. i can't choose to stop anymore, it'll hurt too much. creativity unengaged with is negatively channeled inwards, brewing-over, suddenly sour to its taste. did i mention that i'm sick?

june 9 2026 - i don't really know if there's enough words in the world (or at least in my limited vernacular) to describe all that i've been mulling over. my body and mind are weak. constantly exhausted. i mean, i always am, but it's a deep rooted near-spiritual exhaustion. i think my soul is tired. i never really resonated with the concept of feeling misunderstood because to me, it was contingent on the fact that there is some sort of a unanimous understanding that i am missing out on. i didn't want to be that difficult to make sense of, and i wanted to believe that i was also understanding the rest of the world the way i should've been. turns out not only am i misunderstood, but i also misunderstood most. the same way i'm misunderstood, so is everyone else. at least to me. i just don't like it. who is even responsible for making an understood normalcy? nothing makes sense when you think about it enough. at least not to me. that's probably easy to misunderstand too. (can you tell i went down a philosophy rabbit hole reading my old papers? i wrote about the conflicts of subjectivity and it really did just reinforce my inquisition again, even though life is a bit easier when i'm not thinking about thinking.. whatever.. this is too long for parentheses)
i've had an uncomfortable amount of time to think, and even though i try not to, it's all that i end up doing. think think think, think think think think think think...... i am never free from my own think-cage. think-box if you will. think-curse, who knows. clearly i don't!
at the very least, my thinking has made me think of what to think about. i really need to give myself some grace. c+b were right, they said it was not normal how disproportionate my reaction to everything was, and i cockily attributed it to my desensitized rough exterior. yeah, that was true, but i underestimated how deep an exterior goes. i feel like a bruised peach. maybe even a sad lychee. i want to be nurtured, cared for, but at the same time, i only have resentment for the love in my life. "you want to care about me? keep me safe? how dare you".. weirdo alert.. that's super weird thinking isn't it. i know it is. but i can't help it. i can't help a lot of things. i wish somebody but me understood that (they do, you're just choosing to shut them out). does it get better with time? i used to be incredibly affectionate, verbally, physically mainly really, and now it's.. uncomfortable. i don't want a lover's touch. don't touch me. i don't want a lover's love. but more than anything, i want to be loved. yearning would be a nice parallel because it is in fact easier to want what i can't have, when it's at least external interference preventing the union. this time, it's similar, i want what i can't have.. not because of some looming interference, but because i can't. and the only person responsible for pushing this narrative is me. i'm writing my own script, typing my own code or whatever metaphorical analogy will make this seem as ill-fated unavoidable bad ending as possible. do i deserve it? maybe. do i want it? i think i do, i think i want to continue romancing with my sadness, like it is my lover. do i want love? or maybe i just want the idea of it. the real thing comes with things that i may have never been ready to identify in me, at least until they were ripped out of my chest like a stupid looking werewolf or something would with his very sharp claws. i didn't know what parts of me were lost (taken) until after i no longer had access to them. it's like a corrupted file error, something where your external drive can't open up a fully established file, for some reason that i'm sure anyone with some computer insight would know, but me. i wouldn't know. because i usually misunderstand. what a ramble. what a mess it is in there. before i dramatically exit this terribly separate blog entry, i need to give my regards to the suggested words that show up as i type. every word adds into the local as if it might actually be some meaningful, useful code. my apologies html, they're words. useless for you. i hope that's ok.

june 1 2026 - i'm home, like home home. the past couple weeks have been.. really really nice. if it wasn't for my impulsive going out i wouldn't have met re the way i did, and i would've missed out on the person+passion that has singlehandedly made me feel like this wasn't all for nothing. did i tap into parts of things that i probably should not have engaged with? yeah. do i regret it? not entirely. i really hope he's not evil. i've had enough of it. i've had enough of thinking that i'm safe, and believing the things im told, just to have it used against me. i'm wrong sometimes, a lot of the time really, but it's never malicious. it doesn't matter though, outcomes will determine the consequence. not intent. regardless, i hope re really does mean well. i trust him right now, and im afraid of it, but i can't help it. he is the only person there that i think might understand.

may 3 2026 - it's may! yesterday i went to see bts, which really felt like a peace offering to my younger self. i hope she accepts it.
i also shared the link to my site to someone for the first time, and generally, i am overwhelmed with regret when doing some sort of sharing, but that was not the case with her. she said my blog has a soul in it, to which i responded that it is my soul digitalized for public consumption: to my single reader, popper.

april 29 2026 - i wish i had the right words to fill the absence between this log and the last. i wish i had something to say that would make my sufferring:
i do not resonate with the word suffering to describe the way he's tormented me. suffering makes it sound like an inevitable or fated occurrence, but this was something he actively chose to put me through. it was not inevitable nor fated, it was entirely avoidable if he chose not to. feel a little purposeful. i just feel sorry,

march 9 2026 - its only 1:27am right now, but it's no longer mama's birthday. it was yesterday though. this has been a miserable weekend for me, which makes me feel like an ingrate to say. it's been tough. i still can't even fathom how he could try to do something like that. i think this hurt me even more than being ***** by him. for some delusional, or twisted and self-protective reason, it never felt like it was THAT bad, what he did that is. it still feels less evil than him trying to *** and blame it on me. that's an eternal suffering bestowed upon me that i simply don't understand what i've done to deserve. i can justify the rest, all the other terrible terrible things that he's done to me; maybe i deserve it. this however, i don't know. i don't really understand why he could do that for any reason other than pure resentment for me, and the fact that maybe, he really does hate himself.
march 9 continued -> "giggly diddly" thank you del for the new statement. why would he go to a cheery school event the morning after trying to attempt? acting all giggly diddly? make it make sense. why am i more deeply affected by this alleged attempt of his than he seems to be? i don't even know what to believe in, i don't really want to get too far into this. i don't know if i even believe in a "good" or "bad" and i don't even know if thinking about anything is worth it anymore. i saw his recent posts, it's depressing how little he cares about things that have cared for him, things that to this day have tried to honour his life, and try not to make him feel like he's at fault for existing. he tore into my soul and made sure it continues to fuel the rest of my body with guilt for sins i've never even heard of. the pitiful life he lives is an amalgamation of the good around him, the people that he tore apart, the

february 19 2026 - happy birthday to my baby sister. i wish i was home. he talked to me again, left me a chocolate bar. he told me a lot of people hate him, and i said if he was also told what he did he would hate himself too.

february 13 2026 - i took a bath by accident, it was nice. bug and i are gonna play skribbl and sleep. i love him so much, all the time in the world with all the words in the world wouldn't be enough for me to explain what he does for my soul. he's my soulmate, and i hope i'm his.

february 2 2026 - i don't really know how we got to this month so quickly, but time goes by fast when you can't really recall much. if my essence was a fruit it would be dry, and if i had a reason to be pitied it would be not because of what has happened to me, but because of what i have chosen to do about it all (med-cope).
y'know, i think there's some comfort in referring to recent events as things that have happened, to me. i don't know if it's an artificial shift of responsibility, or because that's actually what happened. things happened to me. they were done to me, bad things were done to me.
nonetheless, arlert's biggest fan did something kind today, just a little bit ago. for a second, i felt believed again, and i didn't realize oh just how powerful of a feeling that is- to not feel like you're lying to everyone and yourself. he said see ya, mid convo. not because he wanted to end it, but because he wanted me away from [redacted]. that was nice.

january 27 2026 - so much has happened, and so little at the same time. i don't really know what to call any of it anymore. i can't seem to remember what happened to me as well as i used to, and i can't seem to feel angry enough towards him, but this can't go on and i appreciate everyone who has been willing and able to step in for me, mostly the b+c duo that i owe a lot to. and lizzie. i had a long exchange of words with arlert, whether in self-sabotage or in desperation for clarity. his words hurt just as bad as i assumed that they would, despite being glittered and soft. they were sharp.
i wish i could quote for dramatic effect, but this is the closest my memory can bring me to it. "you know you can't take back consent after the thing has happened" or maybe it was "you really have to think about what constitutes as r***"
i saw dr. g today, and she gave me a hug. it was really sweet, and warmer than i thought a touch could feel for me in this town. it felt maternal and well-wished. i haven't talked about it too much, but i've been really detached from physical touch ever since it was stolen from me, maliciously. i usually like to hug, and i usually crave for touch, but usually feels so unfamiliar to me now, and a touch feels bothersome. dr. g's hug was nice. i hesitated but i'm glad i let her hug me. i am so lonely, and for a split second it felt like i wasn't.

january 12 2026 - misery mondays? i have yet to write of it, but gabie has returned, my misery night partner whom i owe a lot of my music taste to.
anyways, today has been weird. i have about 3 hours until my college closes for the night, and i have way more studying to do than time will permit. i spent (wasted) my time mulling over the aftermath of a situation gone stale. sure, i got a mcdonalds meal out of it, but was it worth having to hear all those questions? i believe i may have approached this classmate to talk simply because i was uncomfortable with the lack of chaos in my disorganized mind. it was getting too predictable, and i needed something to distract me from it. i dug myself into a hole perhaps, and it feels just as rewarding as i was hoping it would. if i could explain it in addiction terms, i think that would probably make the most sense. i want chaos, i want emotional turmoil. i have not learned to incorporate positive features into my healing, and i am not confident with the absence of the stressor as my saviour. i really should never talk to him again, and i hope i dont. for all good things left in the world, i hope i can at least do that. if not for myself, for my lover and the fragile creature waiting for me to come home.

january 8 2026 - happy new year. i had a really successful academic meeting today, and am in a favourable position when it comes to my goals. all that's left is to actually begin, pursue, create. i have to see the worst person i've ever met in ten or so minutes. i refuse to let him take my success away from me. God Can Make You Pay by Puracane is dedicated to you (him). God will make you pay for what you have done to me.

december 21 2025 - there's no words to describe this feeling anymore

december 2 2025 - oh to make sense of my mind's function
i yearn for a task-driven motor with organizational skills incomparable to a worm, though maybe that is insulting to the worm
for maybe the worm is far more capable.

november 12 2025 - "i would say he did it to himself," in response to the guilt of potentially taking away the only thing a pitiful man has left going for him.